Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Hard Work and Patience

The Discipline of Dismay...this was the title of my devotion this evening. Not really the pep talk from the Lord I was hoping for tonight but it was just what I needed. 

My current job is probably one of the most demanding jobs I've ever had. It affects me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I came home today really hungry so I went to the kitchen to find something to eat for a snack because it was only 3:30. I was so tired I decided to lay down to think of what I wanted to eat. Yes, so tired that laying down was what I felt I needed to do in order to think. The next thing I knew it was 7pm. Hard work.

Tomorrow I take 3 of my choirs to be assessed by district standards. Friday I take another class to a competition. Pushing teenagers to work hard is very exhausting it is like herding cats. They have a mind of their own and are most of the time not at all interested in what your agenda means for their life. Let's take a moment to talk about self-discipline, respect, and love for the creative process. The thing about music for me is I love the process of learning music. I can sit and learn music all day and never perform it anywhere.  I remember hearing Jon Foreman speak saying he had hundreds of songs he had never even recorded. I think he might love the process too. My current group of students seem to all love the end result without regard for how to arrive at that place...we are so not on the same page. Hard work that sometimes causes me to be dismayed.

I don't mind hard work. At one point in my life I had 4 employers...I like being busy with work. I have always liked the phrase "work hard, play hard" I wouldn't say it is a philosophy but and underlying theme of how I have functioned for most of my adult life. Because my current job is so demanding it deprives me of any kind of a personal life outside of work. 

I was the girl who was very active in my church, Bible study, and whose primary call and goal in life was foreign missions. I also had a pretty rocking social circle in addition to ministry and career so this is a weird place for me to be. It feels kind of dark and at times I would use the word dismayed to describe how I feel. On a day to day basis I find joy and happiness but in my soul I still feel at times I am not really where I want to be or where I thought I would be. My life is so different. There are still dreams and desires not yet realized and in my current situation those dreams and goals seem impossible and lost which causes me to be dismayed.

The following is an excerpt from my devotion this evening:

"At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure. I begin to realize that there is a distance between Jesus and me... I have no idea where He is going, and the goal has become strangely distant. "- Oswald Chambers

I would say that this accurately describes how I feel. It is no secret I have been frustrated, concerned, unsettled about my current life situation. To the onlooker I probably seem well adjusted and happy (and regardless of how I feel I try to take each day as a blessing)...but for me the goal has become strangely distant. 

The devotion closes with this next statement:

"But when the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come the ability to follow Jesus truly, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy."-Oswald Chambers

Isaiah 50:10 "Let Him who walks in the dark, who has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. 
Isaiah 54:7-8 "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you says the Lord your Redeemer"


Though I know these verses talk about the redemption of Israel after slavery, rebellion, and exile, and the promise of a Savior I believe that it can apply for any time of dismay and darkness. There is a way ahead and though it seems like the way is lost we have already been brought back with deep compassion and everlasting kindness.  We must live in that continued promise and endure until it is over...what ever the "it" may be in life.  Anything good in life and truly worth having is going to be hard. 

This is currently my favorite song...I've never heard it in English. I prefer the Spanish text so here are the lyrics in English but you should listen in Spanish. 


"Beautiful Exchange"-Hillsong


You were near though I was distant
Disillusioned I was lost and insecure
Still mercy fought for my intention
You were waiting at the door, then I let you in

Trading your life for my offenses
For my redemption
You carried all the blame breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place

When only love could make a way
You gave your life in a beautiful exchange

When only love could break these chains
You gave your life in a beautiful exchange

My burden erased, my life forgiven
There is nothing that could take this love away
And my only desire, and my sold ambition
Is to love you just the same

Holy are you god, holy is your name
With everything I've got my heart will sing
How I love you








Sunday, January 25, 2015

Beautiful Things and the Wall

I am back after a very long time of being away so much has happened since my last post that I cannot even begin to write in paragraph form so I will make a list.

-I have moved back to the US to be close to family and am in Virginia
-I teach High School Chorus and Show Choir
-I am still a missionary on journey just in a really different capacity

The title of this post comes from a Gungor (Christian music artist) song called "Beautiful Things". Have a listen it is a great song.



There are several things which come to my mind when I listen to this song. Creation of man as stated in the Bible in the second chapter of Genesis.

Then the Lord God formed a man[c] from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

We were created from the dust of the ground. From something dead, lifeless, and usually not desirable. God made something beautiful, intricate, and simply amazing out of dust and in His own image. 


This song also is a reminder that regardless of how broken we are or how far away we feel from anything beautiful our Creator God can do anything to make us new.


This past year I have felt very far from beautiful or full of life. By that I mean anything beautiful. I am not just talking about physical beauty here I am taking about the beauty of the soul and circumstances. Let's just say it has been a tough year and a half of transitions and leave it at that. 


Tonight I went through and read older blog posts and remembered some of the words from the Lord in the past. I was amazing to remember God's work and the work of the Holy Spirit. Even thought this year has been tough I know God's hand is still there guiding me it just feels like he is pulling me by the collar of my shirt not holding my hand. 


I still carry around a lot of frustration from old hurts and hang-ups and no matter how many times I do Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" study I always find there is something else to "break free" from. I always find there is a little "dust" somewhere in the corner from some old hurt I haven't gotten rid of. I'm working on not doing this.


I got hurt once and it seemed to destroy something in me. You know the old saying, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". Well I am not the type of person to wait around for the second hurt. Momma didn't raise no fool. So, naturally I put up a wall around my heart. It was only put up to potential male suitors. No one can hurt what they don't have access to. You see the problem is that wall doesn't have a passage way, so it ends up blocking even those people like family and friends who once had access. 


I believe my singleness is by God's design, reasons, and a season. My singleness is beautiful in many ways. God has used it and my life is so full regardless of my marriage status. However, I believe my wall has contributed to the length of my singleness. My loving Savior doesn't want me to stay like this. My wall has been there for so long I am not even aware of its' existence at times. It has been creeping up lately. I was made aware of this walls' continued existence by a lovely young lady who is like my little sister who shall remain nameless to protect her identity. She will however feel happy I included her in this blog (to the moon and back). She told me some things that she noticed about me that really upset me and it shocked me into awareness of this wall. I have been so closed off emotionally to everyone and everything. The thing about this wall is it is big and heavy and I don't really know how to get it down. I would love to have the Israelite's come march around, blow, horns, and shout but I am sure that won't happen. 


I thought it was going to take some major construction. I was afraid there would never be someone who could get the wall down. It was just going to be there forever. 


God didn't send the Israelite's or a construction crew. In His gentle way he sent a messenger who erased it away in one conversation. This person opened their mouth and God jumped out in a way I have not experienced. This person spoke to every hurt that put up that wall and the wall fell down so quickly I was in tears.  Now there is nothing left of that wall but dust. 

I am reminded that Jesus cares so much about you. He cares about tearing down walls so you can experience beautiful things. Some times God has to come along and breathe a fresh breath of life into His creation. I love that God gets creative with how he refreshes and restores us. I love that He uses his people. 

Genesis 2:7
"Then the Lord God formed a man[c] from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being."

2 Corinthians 2:5 
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things pass away; behold, new things have come."

BEHOLD; new, beautiful things have come.

Every Blessing,