On Display

Tearful hearts were on display today.

Most of us are uncomfortable with public displays of emotion...even those of us estrogen driven folks who frequent the Kleenex box for the most absurd reasons.

I can't recall all the times in my life where I have totally lost it in front of a group of people. Tonight I am just thinking about a few loosing it moments that were major. When I say "it" I mean composure and the ability to keep my emotions to myself.  Most of the time these moments for us all are private. I am not counting the times where we tear up and fan our eyes to dry up our tears before the mascara starts to run.  I am talking quivering voice, snot running, can't pull it together no matter how many deep breaths you take kind of moments. The kind where you close your mouth and look around as if you've totally become mute. For me these times can be directly correlated with movement of the Holy Spirit, or grieving of the spirit.

My first tearful display was in Memphis, TN on my first mission trip. We had been doing some repair and maintenance to a house in a very poor neighborhood. All of the groups were meeting the tenants of the homes they were working on and building relationships with them. Our group was bummed because we had been there for a couple of days and hadn't even seen the people living in the house we were working on. On the third day I went up and knocked on the door to the house several times and called out. A quiet voice came from behind the door in the hot July heat. We asked if she would come out and meet us. To our dismay she said no and the reason why was because they didn't have any clothes. Our entire group was floored. We dropped our paint brushes and hammers and immediately got to work on this need. We got their sizes, took the church van, and got them clothes. I will never forget her face as long as I live. They were so excited to get the clothes and so grateful. I invited them to come to our evening service and youth group devotion. This sweet lady came and sat in on our youth group devotion listening to all these privileged kids talk about how our lives were changed by what we saw happening in the lives of the people we were helping. I couldn't help but cry. I lost it. She looked at me and said, "Baby, you got to pull it together. You got the ugly cry." That was the week I committed my life to full time ministry. The Spirit moved.

Display number two was at the funeral of my friend, Marty, whose tragic death shook me to my core. The worship choir that I lead, and sang in, was asked to sing at his funeral. My friend April had to hold my hand so I could stand up. I did not make it through "Jesus Messiah". To this day I cannot sing that song without seeing his face. The choir sang and I wept. The Spirit was grieved.

Display number three was the day before I flew out of Los Estados Unidos to Peru. My moms pastor asked me to sing "Blessings" during both Sunday morning services. I said yes because I don't know how to say no knowing full well it was not a good idea. I practiced and had it down no problem. So I am sitting there getting ready to sing and the pastors wife gets up and plays a video of her relative who is an Army Chaplain in Afghanistan.  He was asking for prayer for their unit because they had suffered loss. I saw the boots with the helmets and guns of the fallen soldiers and began to tear up. Then the pastor got up and talked about a family who had recently lost their mom. She had just given birth and died shortly after. The pastor was asking for us to pray for this dad as he will now be caring for their new baby and other children alone. I was tore up before I ever got up to the piano. I made it through the first verse and in walked that Daddy with the new baby and kids. I lost it. I had only made it through the first verse. I was grateful that my fingers still worked and that I could cry and play the piano so at least the congregation got to hear pretty music while I cried. That was the first service. I got to look at my tearful family in the second service. The spirit was grieved and blessed.

Display number four happened today. Corporate worship through music is something I am extremely passionate about. I am a musician and I love to sing to Jesus. I love singing alone but there is just something special that happens when voices come together. Something really important to me is that the students at our school know, understand, experience, participate in, and enjoy worship together. Not just singing but the real honest pouring out what is happening inside your heart kind of worship. This week is a special week at school where we have a team in from the States doing a spiritual emphasis study. We have Chapel services every day this week and I have the privilege of being one of a team of teachers leading worship. God has really been burdening my heart for real authentic worship at our school. I mean up at night, can't sleep, thinking about it a lot kind of burden. All week I have been struggling with weird headaches, a cough, and extreme exhaustion. I've been getting up every day wondering if I would even have a voice to lead. The first two days we would look out at maybe just a few people singing along. It took me until today to realize that God wanted to use me in a weakened state. I was frustrated from a vocal and health standpoint but he wanted to use me in that state. I had this realization while we were singing. At that same moment I heard the kids singing along. It was over...and I couldn't recover. It isn't my favorite thing to cry in front of a whole group of Middle and High School students and co-workers but it was definitely real and honest. Thank you Holy Spirit for moving and reminding me that you are there!

Most of the times the word worship is used in the Bible, with the exception of Psalms, it goes something like this. And_____________ fell down and worshiped (insert name in the blank). I would say when I loose it and cry that it is the equivalent to and I fell down. We are so afraid to fall down and show this side of ourselves. But guess what, that is how those of us who are in Christ will spend eternity.  We will be before a Holy God face first in awe of His holiness. What are we afraid of here? I guess you could say today I fell down and worshiped...and I got to do it with a whole bunch of other people.

Tearful hearts were on display today. I'm not entirely comfortable with crying in public but I think it is beautiful.