After a long period of silence

So I don't actually believe what it says in this banner above I just thought it was funny. I don't think about my singleness all the time. I just have a flare up once in a while. A friend, who is my same age, posted the picture above on Facebook recently and it caused a flare up and the desire to share my feelings once again with cyber space and those who choose to read this blog. Interesting how perspective and life experiences change your opinions on certain matters. You can live your whole life thinking one thing and then life hands you something unexpected. I don't spend all my time thinking about this but recently some fresh light has been shed on the subject by my awesome Savior, Jesus. 

I have tried to take my singleness with humor and dignity even though most places and society gear things to finding a “significant other”. I mean seriously where are they selling singleness? There are no websites on how to stay single. No books are written on why single is the better way. Advertizing companies don't sell being on your own. Churches don't discourage couples who want to marry. Churches cap their "Singles Ministry" at 29 or 30. The next small group you see is "Singles Again". Even on certain job applications for ministry organizations I have looked at recently there is a cap age of 30 for single missionary positions. Secular society is even trying to make marraige attainable for everyone they possibly can. Being a never married, over 30, Christian single is almost an oxymoron. Maybe that last one was a slight exageration. Just trying to get you to think. 

One time in the staff lounge at school a young married girl was telling of her fiancée’s extravagant proposal. It was amazing and she was encouraging people to wait for the good stuff. I totally and honestly agree. I was joking around and said, "Man I would be happy just to hear the words “Will you marry me?” I laughed and the rest of the room was quiet. When I got home from school I told my roommates, who are also over 30yrs old, and they laughed hysterically. I was glad to know they got my joke. Most evangelical churches spend a significant amount of their resources on married people and families. Rarely have I heard a sermon on “What to do when you are single.” We are kind of left to our own devices and the self-help section at bookstores or a therapist if it is really deep.

I would consider myself an optimist. However, over the past couple of years I think my fears and insecurities have come out like a roaring lion of pessimism. Especially regarding the areas of dating and marriage marriage. I would say this ship sprung a leak July of 2011 in Southaven, MS at my Orientation for NICS for serving overseas as a teaching missionary. There I realized this was a sensitive area for me. We were being schooled on life overseas and issues that would arise. One of the sessions was on serving as a single along side married couples in a small community. 

Libby Alexander is a dynamic presenter, energetic, mature single women. I cried and/or laughed through 95% of her presentations and I am not joking when I say cried. I think a few times it was ugly and I needed tissue. I went up to her after one of the sessions trying to thank her for what she said and I couldn't even get the words out. She said it for me, "I know, you feel validated". Like magically someone else knew and had been where I am, survived and lives a happy, full life. She is still longing for that special someone to minister along side. She finally put into words the things I had felt but never put into words. The above picture reminded me of something Libby said. She said, "I hate it when people meet me and say I am so great wondering why I don't have a husband." She replies that her husband’s parents decided not to have children. She enjoys watching them think it over. I love it because it is so true for many single women. I too have had people say this to me, like I have the answer to why I am single. Trust me if I could just run out and fix it I would. Just the other day a cab driver grilled me on this topic. "Don't you want to get married?" As if I really had total control over the situation. I have read books (secular and Christian), done devotionals, talked to other women (single and married), and sought council with respectable married friends. Watched my single friends go through dating, marriage, and now families. I have tried to figure it out.  

Hi, my name is Marissa. I will be 34 on July 23. I am single. I would like to one day be married and have my own family. I am also happy, well adjusted, have experienced professional success, and living independently out of my parent’s home for almost 17 years.

I have enjoyed living the single life through college and now career years. I really have tried to embrace my singleness and do what Paul said and allow God to use me because I am not tied down to a family. I hope that is what people see. However, I will be the first to admit that it was fun in my 20's but as soon as I hit 30+ fun has turned into challenging.  

I have two lovely students that I mentor. God uses them in countless ways in my life. I watch them navigate through the difficult waters of being a teenager and praise God for his grace and mercy. I try to encourage them the best way that I can. On occasion as I encourage them God reminds me of things I should direct towards myself. When I was their age I struggled with this dating and relating to boys thing. It took me until college before I had guy friends and they still scared me to death. I always remember being nervous around them. Not because I liked them but because I had no idea how to relate to them. Those guys taught me how to without even knowing it. Thanks Jeff, Matt, and other Gardner-Webb Christian dudes who treated me like a friend. I still managed to make it through college single. The college girls that openly stated they were there for their Mrs degree really made that single girl stereotype unappealing. I don't want to be that single girl. That being said, I totally loved seeing the relationships God brought together while at college. Once I was in the working world I saw girls small group/church hop to find guys. I saw that as negative and didn't want to go to church to meet guys. I do have several friends who met guys at small group and church but they didn't attend for that purpose. I don’t want to be that single girl that is on the hunt. I have been paranoid about being seen in a negative light. I think one facet of my adult spiritual life has been plagued by flare ups of trying to figure out how to be single and still want something God clearly created/blesses and is the norm around me. 

As a teenager I saw girls at school and church go through countless relationships and heartbreak. The tears that flowed and hearts that broke made the whole dating thing really unappealing to me. I remember thinking, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" I even made a bet with my Dad that I would not date until after I was 21. I kept my end of the bargain and didn't date until I was 25, but that is a whole other story. I look back at the statement I made and my views on dating and realized deep down I wanted to be those girls dating and it hurt that I wasn’t being pursued like the others. I think that I said that just because I was insecure and no one was asking me out so I used the whole "heart break isn't appealing" line to make myself feel less like a looser. My stubbornness knows no limits. I seriously remember thinking, "Fine, if no one is going to like me then I just won't date at all. I don't need it.” I think there is some truth to waiting until you are older but I think there was a little stubborn streak in there too. Now that I have lived a little more life I can see a pattern with my stubbornness. 

I started out this semester with fasting and prayer. I decided to do the 21 days Daniel Fast. I highly recommend it for first time, longer than one day, or one item fasting. Let me just say Jesus rocked my world in those days and every day that has followed. One of the things (I mean one, there were a ton of things revealed to me) he has showed me is how I cope with negativity or rejection. Some people get sad or depressed. I get stubborn. My mom tells me about how I dealt with the word "no" as a toddler. She said that if she told me no that I would go sit down at the brick fireplace and beat my head against it. Yes, literally beat my head against it. This brings new definition to hardheaded. I will pause to let that sink in.......Yes, I actually hit my head against a brick wall. Fast forward a bit and think of what that means for adult Marissa receiving rejection or being told no. I no longer hit my head against the wall. I have also learned how to internalize most things, which can sometimes be more dangerous. The stubbornness that causes one to react by beating your head against the wall might be deep down inside there somewhere setting up really negative ways of coping. Brick walls turned into sayings like "I don't need that", "It doesn't matter", or even "The Bible doesn't say anything about dating", "I can do it alone", "Maybe something is wrong with me", "Two play at that game". There may be some truth to some things. But in general telling myself negative things so the seemingly unmet expectations would be less painful only ends up hurting me in the end.

Genesis 2: 18-24

18 Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.

19 And out of the ground the Lord God formed every [wild] beast and living creature of the field and every bird of the air and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them; and whatever Adam called every living creature, that was its name.

20 And Adam gave names to all the livestock and to the birds of the air and to every [wild] beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.

21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam; and while he slept, He took one of his ribs or a part of his side and closed up the [place with] flesh.

22 And the rib or part of his side which the Lord God had taken from the man He built up and made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.

23 Then Adam said, This [creature] is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of a man.

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

What does the woman who was created from the rib of man, to be a partner for him, do with that desire to find the thing you were made from and for? Man isn’t it true the longer you wait for something the harder it gets. Think of a crying baby waiting on a bottle. That cry gets a little more intense as the wait is longer. Think of 20 minutes in traffic versus 1 ½ hours. Any time you wait the longer it is the harder it is. That is why you need more encouragement.

I love seeing God's word in action. That is what marriage and family are to me, God's words and commands in action. There is so much joy in seeing your friends meet who God wants them to share their life with. It is a blessing to stand along side them on their wedding day. I have cried tears of joy over God creating new life holding their babies in the hospital. When those babies learn to talk to me and remember when I come for a visit or talk on the phone calling me Rissa my heart melts.  I have shared tears in dealing with the trial of raising a young family. My married friends have cared for me and allowed me to be Auntie Rissa to their kids. I wouldn’t trade any of those experiences for anything in the world. I have learned with them and from them. I totally love the fun relationship my friends Bobby and Christine Turner have. It has been a blessing to know them as single friends serving in church, to a dating couple, and now seeing them as parents. While they were dating they would say, “I love you like peanut butter loves chocolate, like cookies love milk etc.” The point is those things individually are great but together it is a powerful combination.  It is clear that God created both the institution of marriage and being single. Both are equally hard. I remember one friend saying it was a miracle she and her husband made it through their first year of marriage.  I have seen friends meet challenging difficulties in marraige and learn to trust God on a deeper level. If marriage is hard enough with two people, let the married people procreate and add little dependent people to the mix. Marriage isn’t the answer to singleness God is the answer to anything hard.

To all the single ladies and especially the friend, who inspired this late night reflection…. you are valuable, and it is ok to desire something God hasn’t brought you YET. A friend here in Peru made me say YET recently. I almost cried. I haven’t been able to say that word for a long time. That should tell you right there how hard it is. I stopped saying yet and when the “yet” goes so does hope. I found that picturing what my wedding might be like one day was too hard.  A series of bad experiences with guys made “yet” look really unattainable. Looking at the statistics for Christian single women took “yet” right out of my vocabulary. Also the Romantic Comedy genre on movies and TV made the “yet” look like the fiction isle.

God doesn’t know how to be late. He wants only good things for you. Keep letting him fill your heart with truth and don't let disappointment tell you a lie. Our hope is the Lord Jesus and comfort is in His word. We don’t live in the “yet” or hope of a husband. We live in the hope for the return of our Savior.

Psalm 25:2

O my God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You. Let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me.

Psalm 39:7

And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in You.

Psalm 119:74

Those who reverently and worshipfully fear You will see me and be glad, because I have hoped in Your word and tarried for it.

Psalm 130:5

I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope.

Isn’t it true the longer you wait for something the harder it gets. Think of a crying baby waiting on a bottle. That cry gets a little more intense as the wait is longer. Think of 20 minutes in traffic versus 1 ½ hours. Any time you wait the longer it is the harder it is. This can be applied to any area or answer that is "wait". That is why you need more encouragement and more happy music to keep you in the right frame of mind. Fill your mind with scripture and ears with happy music. I am performing this song with my High School vocal ensemble. If you lay the songs out we are doing this semester it is a direct reflect of this journey. I had no idea when I selected these songs it had to do with my journey on this topic. Once I picked up on it I had to appologize and say, "We just have to go with it we can't change now." So here is a happy song to close out this long session. The theology isn't perfect but it is fun and I like the hook on the Chorus :-) I hope the saying "good things come to those who wait" will be true for all who wait on the Lord!

Blessings!