Brace yourself, it's a long one.

You might be looking at the title of this and wondering where I am going with this blog. You may decide that you just don't want to go there with me...but I hope you will.

I find myself repeating this line, "Does anybody hear what I'm sayin'?!" over and over in my head. This phrase might not mean anything to you if you just read it with a monotone, dry voice that we often read with. Try saying it out loud, in your most Southern accent, making sure to leave off the 'g' at the end. Also make sure that you try to say it as if no one is listening to what your saying and you are trying to make a point. 

Go on...say it out loud.

That is how I hear it in my head, only Beth Moore is the voice I hear. Our small group has been doing a study on Romans using Beth Moore's audio teaching. She says that phrase a lot and it just sticks out to me. The inner Southern woman in me has the voice of Beth Moore, the stubborn fire of Madea, the sweetness of Southern Tea, and the free spirit of a salty ocean breeze carrying with it all the places it's been. Lately the inner Southern woman in me has been a little frustrated. I feel like Beth is yelling, Madea has her saw out asking me "Which half do you want?", the sweet tea is more like syrup, and the ocean breeze is like a Morton's salt shaker. My momma always said, "Too much of a good thing is just too much". I find that balance is a lifelong lesson. Sometimes I just want to say out loud DOES ANYBODY HEAR WHAT I'M SAYIN'!

We all need to be heard. It is important to know that our voice and experiences, whether bad or good, matter to someone. When you have a bad day everyone needs someone who will just listen and say, "I'm sorry you had a bad day". I find that most of the time with my little ones in school that their discipline problems come when they just don't feel like they are heard or seen. Many people look at little kids and miss them entirely. My goal has always been to let them know that, "I see them". I make eye contact, smile, and say I see you. 

Like most strong willed women it takes extreme circumstances to get my attention sometimes. The Lord never wastes an opportunity for a teachable moment. Right now it is BRACES. 

At 18 I found out I had a baby tooth on a routine visit to the dentist. Their suggestion at that time was braces to pull the tooth into place. I immediately dismissed that idea thinking I was not going to go through braces my Freshman year of college. I asked the dentist how long I could last with the baby tooth. He said I could have it until I was in my 30's. In my mind that was an instant pass to do nothing about it at that time. I clearly remember thinking let's just take it out and stick in a Chicklet. The next thing you know I am 32 at a dentist in Peru and he says I have a ticking time bomb in my mouth and that I will have major problems if I don't do something soon. After more mouth ex-rays than I have ever taken, ever, and being presented with all the options I decided on braces to pull the tooth into place. I cried the whole way home from the orthodontist office. The inner Southern in me was saying, "Are you hearin' what I'm sayin'?" My first carnal/fleshly thought was, "Lord, I am already 32 and single and you want me to put on braces?! Let's just join a nunnery and secure eternal sigleness". Thought number 2, "Oh my goodness did he say $4000?!?!?!". My final thought was, "I guess maybe I should have done this when I was 18".  After a long walk home, a bunch of tears, and me trying not to cry out loud as I passed by my Peruvian neighbors in the street, I finally settled down and accepted reality. 

Thursday April 19, 2012...a day that will go down in infamy. I went into the orthodontist and came out with rocks on my teeth that have to be there for 2 years. For whatever reason I am really sensitive to pain in my mouth. Some people might say I am a wuss but my mom will just tell you that I am stubborn. I also hear adults just have more pain associated with braces.  Right now I can't brush my teeth, talk, eat, or even close my mouth without pain. These braces are instruments to pull things back into shape and into place. I have felt a whole new connection to all my students who have braces. They have been most helpful, encouraging, and supportive. There is comfort in people who are going through the same thing as you. They just happen to be almost 2 decades younger than I am, smile. I dislike braces probably more than anything. Right before I got my braces I asked my middle school choir what their thoughts were. One quiet, but poignant, student said, "It ruins everything". I knew I was doomed when the person who never talks chose those words to say when he had the opportunity to speak in class for the first time. As I sat in the orthodontist chair last week and cried due to the pain, I reminded myself that I was paying for this service. Today when the doctor said, "Now... this is going to feel like I am pulling all of your teeth out" I reminded myself that I willing walked there and sat in that chair. Apparently there is a lot of "shaping" up I have to do.

So I find myself again at the original question. Is anybody hearing what I'm sayin'? My answer from the Lord, "Yes, I see you...I hear you". It doesn't mean he is going to take it away it just means that I need to keep sitting in the chair and letting Him put things where he wants them to be...no matter how much it hurts.

Right now this is my favorite song..."King of All Days"-Hillsong

Furlough and Friends

Well...it is well past time to write. I originally started this blog to keep supporters updated on things that were happening with ministry. Ministry updates now happen through other methods in case you were wondering. Every time I sit down to write it turns into therapeutic writing and far more personal and deeper heart feelings that I am unable to get out otherwise. Somehow putting my thoughts into cyber space is easier than verbally processing. A moment for the shock to absorb for those that know me well.

Furlough:  

1.    Military . a vacation or leave of absence granted to an enlisted person.

2.

a usually temporary layoff from work: Many plant workershave been forced to go on furlough.

3.

a temporary leave of absence authorized for a prisonerfrom a penitentiary.

My definition of furlough comes from our families missionary friends definition and aligns most closely with definition number 1. I listed the others because I thought it was funny. This is my second furlough after beginning my service in Peru. Second...wow crazy to think that this is my second in one year some missionaries have to wait years for a furlough. I am so grateful. I was able to come visit for Christmas and now for US summer. The most difficult thing about my time in the US is that I split that time between North Carolina and Virginia. You see I have family in both places and I couldn't imagine coming here and not being with one or the other. My natural family is in Virginia and my adoptive families and sending church are in North Carolina. I end up splitting the time pretty evenly between both and my heart in three places. Three? Yes, North Carolina, Virginia, and Peru. 

The first time around was really tough on me personally. I put a ton of pressure on myself to see everyone I could and the best way was to car trip and stay a couple of days with one family at a time. By the time I returned to VA for my trip back to Lima I was ready for a vacation. I tried to make up for 6 months of relationships in 2 weeks, impossible and exhausting. I also think I was in a little bit of transitional fog. 

This time around I decided to stay in one persons home and do day trips with people. I ended up really getting to spend the same amount of quality time without moving around so much night after night. It seems to be better but I have to say I am still ending up with a broken heart not getting to spend enough time with my dear friends. 

I have the most fantastic, supportive, loving group of friends who have poured over heaps of prayer, love, and patience with me over this year. I am leaving NC this weekend feeling so much love and support. 

I distinctly remember one youth group lock-in when I was in Middle School. Oh yeah I am going there. Stick with me this is good. 

My family had just moved to Greensboro, NC from Greenville, SC and I had started my 6th grade year in a new city. Needless to say I recall this transition being very difficult on everyone. I remember our first summer there how my sister, mom, and myself would talk about going back to SC because none of us liked NC. I was an awkward, low self-esteem kinda kid and didn't make friends easily. I was kinda shy. Another moment to pause for those that know me now to get over the shock. Well it was true. Middle School is a tough time for everyone and it was especially hard for me. I remember never feeling like I had friends and being so frustrated with the drama Middle School girls created. I would go sit in the nursery and rock babies when I would get frustrated with youth group stuff. Back to the lock-in I mentioned. It was my first lock-in and drama started to occur with girls in our youth group. I vividly remember thinking this is not what friendship was supposed to be like. I had not accepted Christ at this point and was still very much searching. I remember sitting down praying with my bible looking up every reference on the word "friend" I could find in my concordance. I wanted to know what God had to say about friendship. 

Proverbs 17:17

"A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity."

Proverbs 27:17

"Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend."

These were the first 2 scriptures I found. I will never forget it and have searched for it and strived for it my whole life. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God answered that prayer so long ago. I am blessed to have friends that are what these 2 scriptures say a friend is. 

To my soul sisters (and the brothers who now come with the sisters) you know who you are:

You are a forever part of my heart. No matter where the Lord takes me or how little time we are able to spend together I carry you in my heart. I carry the prayer times, laughs, hugs, movie nights, road trips, talks, amazing meals, and most importantly the incredible gift of seeing you develop into amazing godly single women and men, godly wives and husbands, and super hero moms and dads. Thank you for sharpening my countenance on this furlough.

I haven't even gotten to spend much time with my family yet...I'll just have to keep those thoughts to the closest place in my heart. I have used almost a whole box of Kleenex writing this post...just so you know. 

To know that Jesus is the reason that I even get to enjoy some part of this on this side of glory is all a part of Gods lavish love for his children.

Blessings

On Display

Tearful hearts were on display today.

Most of us are uncomfortable with public displays of emotion...even those of us estrogen driven folks who frequent the Kleenex box for the most absurd reasons.

I can't recall all the times in my life where I have totally lost it in front of a group of people. Tonight I am just thinking about a few loosing it moments that were major. When I say "it" I mean composure and the ability to keep my emotions to myself.  Most of the time these moments for us all are private. I am not counting the times where we tear up and fan our eyes to dry up our tears before the mascara starts to run.  I am talking quivering voice, snot running, can't pull it together no matter how many deep breaths you take kind of moments. The kind where you close your mouth and look around as if you've totally become mute. For me these times can be directly correlated with movement of the Holy Spirit, or grieving of the spirit.

My first tearful display was in Memphis, TN on my first mission trip. We had been doing some repair and maintenance to a house in a very poor neighborhood. All of the groups were meeting the tenants of the homes they were working on and building relationships with them. Our group was bummed because we had been there for a couple of days and hadn't even seen the people living in the house we were working on. On the third day I went up and knocked on the door to the house several times and called out. A quiet voice came from behind the door in the hot July heat. We asked if she would come out and meet us. To our dismay she said no and the reason why was because they didn't have any clothes. Our entire group was floored. We dropped our paint brushes and hammers and immediately got to work on this need. We got their sizes, took the church van, and got them clothes. I will never forget her face as long as I live. They were so excited to get the clothes and so grateful. I invited them to come to our evening service and youth group devotion. This sweet lady came and sat in on our youth group devotion listening to all these privileged kids talk about how our lives were changed by what we saw happening in the lives of the people we were helping. I couldn't help but cry. I lost it. She looked at me and said, "Baby, you got to pull it together. You got the ugly cry." That was the week I committed my life to full time ministry. The Spirit moved.

Display number two was at the funeral of my friend, Marty, whose tragic death shook me to my core. The worship choir that I lead, and sang in, was asked to sing at his funeral. My friend April had to hold my hand so I could stand up. I did not make it through "Jesus Messiah". To this day I cannot sing that song without seeing his face. The choir sang and I wept. The Spirit was grieved.

Display number three was the day before I flew out of Los Estados Unidos to Peru. My moms pastor asked me to sing "Blessings" during both Sunday morning services. I said yes because I don't know how to say no knowing full well it was not a good idea. I practiced and had it down no problem. So I am sitting there getting ready to sing and the pastors wife gets up and plays a video of her relative who is an Army Chaplain in Afghanistan.  He was asking for prayer for their unit because they had suffered loss. I saw the boots with the helmets and guns of the fallen soldiers and began to tear up. Then the pastor got up and talked about a family who had recently lost their mom. She had just given birth and died shortly after. The pastor was asking for us to pray for this dad as he will now be caring for their new baby and other children alone. I was tore up before I ever got up to the piano. I made it through the first verse and in walked that Daddy with the new baby and kids. I lost it. I had only made it through the first verse. I was grateful that my fingers still worked and that I could cry and play the piano so at least the congregation got to hear pretty music while I cried. That was the first service. I got to look at my tearful family in the second service. The spirit was grieved and blessed.

Display number four happened today. Corporate worship through music is something I am extremely passionate about. I am a musician and I love to sing to Jesus. I love singing alone but there is just something special that happens when voices come together. Something really important to me is that the students at our school know, understand, experience, participate in, and enjoy worship together. Not just singing but the real honest pouring out what is happening inside your heart kind of worship. This week is a special week at school where we have a team in from the States doing a spiritual emphasis study. We have Chapel services every day this week and I have the privilege of being one of a team of teachers leading worship. God has really been burdening my heart for real authentic worship at our school. I mean up at night, can't sleep, thinking about it a lot kind of burden. All week I have been struggling with weird headaches, a cough, and extreme exhaustion. I've been getting up every day wondering if I would even have a voice to lead. The first two days we would look out at maybe just a few people singing along. It took me until today to realize that God wanted to use me in a weakened state. I was frustrated from a vocal and health standpoint but he wanted to use me in that state. I had this realization while we were singing. At that same moment I heard the kids singing along. It was over...and I couldn't recover. It isn't my favorite thing to cry in front of a whole group of Middle and High School students and co-workers but it was definitely real and honest. Thank you Holy Spirit for moving and reminding me that you are there!

Most of the times the word worship is used in the Bible, with the exception of Psalms, it goes something like this. And_____________ fell down and worshiped (insert name in the blank). I would say when I loose it and cry that it is the equivalent to and I fell down. We are so afraid to fall down and show this side of ourselves. But guess what, that is how those of us who are in Christ will spend eternity.  We will be before a Holy God face first in awe of His holiness. What are we afraid of here? I guess you could say today I fell down and worshiped...and I got to do it with a whole bunch of other people.

Tearful hearts were on display today. I'm not entirely comfortable with crying in public but I think it is beautiful.

When the going gets tough...the tough keep going

It has been a while since I've blogged. I guess I didn't really feel like I had anything enlightening or worth putting out in cyber space for the few that dare to open this page. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a voice at all. Some moments are fantastic and energizing with little time to stop and process how great things are. Some moments are just crummy. We all have those moments...right? Moments when we wonder if the last bit of strength we have will be enough to carry us to our next stopping place. Sometimes the stopping place isn't there at all. At other times we feel alone in the journey, which only seems to make things seem worse than they are.

When you step out and dare that your life could be different expect the stopping place and the loneliness to be ever present. Once you start you can never turn back. The amazing thing is all the tiredness and loneliness are woven with brilliant colors of joy. I imagine it to be something like stained glass. Beautiful colors of intricate glass held together by the ugliest soldered metal. I have actually had the opportunity to learn how to make stained glass. It is tough and takes a long time. You get cuts on your hands and shards of glass get everywhere but the end product is so amazing.

There have been glorious moments over the course of the past 8 months since I made the move from Huntersville, NC. Like the moment when I arrived at my apartment in Peru at 2:30am January 17. I was so excited to be back that I stayed up all night and unpacked so I could enjoy the whole next day. I got up the next morning and ran until I hit the ocean then walked until dinner time. There have also been so many sweet moments with students at ICSL where you know God is working and things just seem in place. We went to the Orquesta Sinfonica Nacional this past Friday. It was so neat to share that passion and see it in my students.

This week I have been battling the ugly on the inside while trying to cut beautiful glass on the outside. A battle under tired and lonely conditions makes for an interesting fight. In the ugly moments when I want to quit and go back home to the familiar I find that picturing what things would be like helps me turn the ugly to pretty. Immediately I realize I can never go back...it doesn't work that way. The intricate stained glass work of art my heavenly Father is trying to create wouldn't be as beautiful with out the ugly pieces bringing me to the pretty.

In church today I was encouraged by this verse and later by a sweet friend, Kim. God brings us people in the lonely and gives us His word to fight. He says to the church at Philadelphia, "Because you have kept my word about patient endurance, I will keep you from the hour of trial that is coming on the whole world, to try those who dwell on the earth." Revelation 3:10 Oh Lord give me strength and grace to endure with long suffering and dignity. Verse 11 is what really stuck out to me...and it came with a picture. Earlier in the chapter he points out the weakness of the church and their lack of power...this makes verse 11 even more meaningful. He says,"I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown." As I talked with Kim we shared about how Satan attacks us and tries to steel our crown. The word crown is used in many places in the scripture. It is most often used when talking about wisdom, joy, and life. "Hold fast to what you have, so that no one may seize your (crown) wisdom, joy, and life." I told Kim I feel like there are times when I have to hold on to my crown with both hands because it is open season for crown hunting. Someone or something is always trying to take it from me. At times I am just not vigilant about making sure that no one takes it and I give it away freely. I have this mental image of me running with both hands gripped tightly to my crown, sometimes I am ducking in this mental image. James 1:12 says,  "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

The enemy has to leave at the sound of HIS name...JESUS. Go on...say it...out loud. It really does help.

I realize the things I am dealing with may not be life changing or as Beth Moore says, "just a gnat in the lip gloss type of issue" but never the less Satan will get at me in any way he can. He knows he can get to me by sewing small seeds of doubt and insecurity and that I will do the rest for him. I am an easy target. The enemy doesn't have to do much. I will destroy myself. Not this week...I am holding on to my crown with both hands.

Blessings